TL;DR: Civility is easier than you think

I found myself thinking about civility when working with a leadership team recently. We were analyzing their communication habits as a group when one leader burst out, “I just wish people would stop replying to emails with ‘TL;DR.’ It feels so rude!”

[For the record, I agree. Responding with TL;DR (“too long; didn’t read”) to a colleague’s email is rude and destructive. This phrase is meant for summarizing key points, not replying to co-worker communication.]  

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Incivility is on the rise

While you may not see these kinds of sharp elbows in your own team, incivility is on the rise. 66% of workers report incivility in their workplace in the last month, according to SHRM, and more than half (57%) have seen it in the last week. 

The slights can seem small, but the consequences are huge. Consider a large HBR study that analyzed the impact of specific factors on employees, specifically employees’ health and wellbeing, trust and safety, enjoyment and satisfaction, focus and prioritization, and meaning and significance. Which affected them most? Not recognition and appreciation, not inspiring vision, not providing useful feedback, not opportunities for learning and development. It’s respect—or lack thereof.   

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So what do we do about it?

Fixing it can feel overwhelming, especially if you’re just one person trying to care for your culture while getting through your growing to-do list. We completely understand that feeling. At Choose People, we work with teams for limited periods of time, sometimes only a couple of hours. When I’m in the room with them, I don’t control their workplace, their leadership, their values, their culture, their policies, their goals. I may not even know what they are. 

But I can still help, and so can you, even just as one person in a sprawling organization. 

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How?

By doing a little math. (Bet you weren’t expecting that! But hang with me—it’s better than you think.)  

The math itself comes from John and Julie Gottman, Ph.D.s, who have spent years studying couples in relationships (and predicting with astounding 90%+ accuracy which ones will last). Their conclusion? We can thrive through conflict or ongoing differences by outweighing the number of negative interactions with positives. 

The ratio they give is 20 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction. But the beauty here is that we can think small.

Because every small interaction makes a measurable difference. 

And these small positive interactions include:

• a genuine smile;
• a small compliment (such as “good point”), a specific thank you for doing something, asking for their opinion;
• a groan-worthy joke or laughter (even funny cat videos have their place);
• a nod, gesture of agreement, empathizing, or validating what they say (“that makes sense”);
• showing that you’re listening (eye contact, sharing back what they said, asking a question to learn more, putting your phone away when they’re talking to you);
• adding something fun to the environment (such as a tearable pun poster or playing an upbeat song);
• being interested and curious about them as a person beyond just their work (a hobby, their hometown, if they have pets, etc.); or even
• pointing out something you have in common (even if it’s just the color of your shirt or you both commute from the same area. The science shows pointing to even simple commonalities makes a huge difference in feeling like we're on the same team). 

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Any way that builds connection, even if it takes just a few seconds, tips the scales toward positive. 

And when you do it in a group, such as through an icebreaker (try “what’s one thing that immediately makes your day better at work?”), the effect can be exponential. As we’ve said before, emotions are contagious.

Give it a try. You'll be surprised what a difference you can make with a few small gestures.  

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Pro tip

Rather than spreading 5 small acts out over a week, try doing all 5 in the same day. Studies on random acts of kindness show that we ourselves get a significant boost in happiness when we bunch our small actions together rather than doing one each day.

Dealing with your own TL;DRs?

Try seeing it as a secret message. It's not "too long; didn't read." It's actually a reminder that you are a “true leader; defiantly respectful”—and thus very important and needed where you are! 

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Sources: SHRM, UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center

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